Goodbye To Being The Backup

1 On our honeymoon's first day, I dragged three massive suitcases alone through the crowded terminal. Josh walked ahead, arm wrapped around Brooke's shoulders, shielding her from the rush. "Hurry up, Linda. You know Brooke is fragile. I can't let her stay in this crowd." Before I could reply, a heavyset man slammed into me. I hit the floor, luggage crashing down. Sharp pain flared across my knees and shins. Looking up, neither of them had bothered to look back. We'd grown up together. Brooke's severe medical condition meant she was treated like spun glass, everything revolving around her. As kids, Josh always stepped between us. As we got older, even after we started dating, he'd drop everything and sprint to her the second she called. Now, on our honeymoon, he'd insisted on bringing her along because he worried about her health. For years, I compromised. I swallowed my pride. I took a step back. But I was human too. I bled when I fell. And there would always be a day when I was just too hurt to take another step forward. … The freezing temperature of the airport tiles seeped through my clothes, chilling my chest. Just as I pushed myself up, Josh finally appeared in front of me. "If you fell, why didn't you say something?" He pulled me to my feet, then immediately grabbed two of the suitcases, marching forward at a brisk pace. "Let's go. We are going to miss the flight." I glanced up at the giant departure board. "Don't we still have three hours?" Josh's shoulders went visibly rigid. "Linda, we aren't going to the beach anymore." I froze in my tracks. Panic seized my chest as I scrambled to unlock my phone. I pulled up the itinerary. Our original destination, the pristine beaches of Maui, had been completely altered. We were booked for a snowy mountain resort in Aspen. "Josh..." I held my phone up. My hands were trembling violently. I couldn't tell if it was from hauling the heavy bags or from the absolute shock of his words. "Brooke hasn't been feeling well. She really wanted to see the snow..." Because of Brooke. Again. "Josh, this is our honeymoon." A trip I had spent three months agonizing over. I had meticulously planned out every single outfit, matching my dresses, shoes, and jewelry. I had mapped out two completely different itineraries for us to enjoy by the ocean. When I sent him the plans, he didn't utter a single word of complaint. I even swallowed the bitter pill of letting him drag her along on our romantic getaway. And now he was telling me that our honeymoon had been hijacked. Relocated to the freezing mountains, all because Brooke wanted to see the snow. Behind my back. Without a single word. "Honestly, a vacation is a vacation no matter where we go." Josh reached out to grab my wrist, trying to pull me forward. I ripped my hand away. "You two go. I am not going." My heart plummeted into a bottomless abyss. I grabbed the handle of my remaining suitcase and turned around. But Josh grabbed my arm in a vice grip. "What is your problem, Linda?" "Are you seriously throwing a tantrum just because we aren't going to an island?" I didn't answer. One of the wheels on my suitcase had snapped off during the fall. Dragging it felt impossibly heavy. Josh stood blocking my path, a deep scowl carving into his forehead. He looked incredibly annoyed. "Linda, can you please show an ounce of empathy? You know exactly how sick Brooke gets." I raised my eyes, looking past him to the glowing flight boards. I forced back the sharp burn of tears threatening to spill. Right. Brooke was sick. Because she was sick, she had to crash the honeymoon I had dreamed about for months. The sunny beaches I longed for had to be swapped out for the freezing altitude of Aspen. Because she was sick, Josh spent the entire morning shielding her from the crowds, while I was left dragging three oversized bags alone, getting knocked to the ground until my legs were black and blue. I desperately wanted to ask him, what about me? Even now, he hadn't bothered to ask if I was hurt. How many times had this happened? I had lost count. After a long, suffocating silence, I meticulously peeled his fingers off my arm, swallowing the heavy lump of grief wedged in my throat. "You better hurry. Don't let Brooke wait too long." Hearing this, Josh glanced down at his expensive watch. He shot me one last disappointed glare. "Linda, you seriously need to work on this toxic attitude of yours. Acting like the world is ending over a slight change of plans is just pathetic." I kept my mouth shut, dragging my broken suitcase toward the exit. A slight change of plans? I didn't think so. When we were planning our wedding, I wanted a massive, joyful celebration. Josh told me we had to consider Brooke's sensory issues. She couldn't handle loud noises or large crowds. So the vibrant, beautiful wedding of my dreams was downgraded to a cramped, dimly lit chapel with exactly four people in attendance, including the priest. After we got married, I just wanted a normal life with my husband. Josh told me Brooke's parents were too old to provide the care she needed, and he wanted to move her into our spare bedroom. So my private marital sanctuary became a crowded house of three. Before all of this, I had sat him down multiple times. I asked him to establish some healthy boundaries. I reminded him that he was a married man now. But he just brushed it off. He told me Brooke was our childhood best friend, and taking extra care of her was simply the right thing to do. So it happened again. And again. And again. I was supposed to be his wife, his partner in life, yet I was always the one being pushed to the back of the line. And now, as I dragged a broken suitcase through the chaotic airport traffic, Josh was already boarding a plane with Brooke. Our honeymoon had officially become their romantic getaway to Aspen. By the time I finally managed to hail a cab, my phone buzzed with a text from Josh. [Make sure you text Brooke and explain why you left. I don't want her stressing out and thinking this is her fault.] I didn't reply. The phone vibrated again. It was a text from Brooke. [Linda, did you back out of the trip because of me? I feel so awful. This was supposed to be your honeymoon...] I didn't reply to that either. I simply flipped the phone to silent and tossed it into my purse. Watching the city blur past the taxi window, I felt nothing but a bone deep exhaustion. All those tiny, neglected details had finally crushed me. I was so incredibly tired. I just wanted to escape. I wanted to be as far away from them as physically possible. I had the driver take me straight to my office building. I left the broken suitcase in the lobby and rode the elevator up to the sixth floor. I handed in my formal resignation, then walked over to my cubicle to pack my things. Sarah, my team lead, stood by my desk with a look of genuine regret. "Are you seriously leaving us, Linda? Upper management was just talking about putting you up for a massive promotion." I gave her a quiet nod, carefully placing the small potted plant Josh had given me years ago into the cardboard box. Sarah wasn't lying. I was on the fast track to a director role. But the only reason I had taken this job, the only reason I stayed in this city, was because Josh wanted to settle down here. And looking back, it was painfully obvious that he only wanted to stay here so he could keep a close eye on Brooke. At least Josh and I hadn't filed our official marriage certificate yet. Walking away was going to be remarkably simple. By the time I wrestled my massive suitcase through the front door of the apartment, Josh and Brooke had just landed in Colorado. My phone lit up with his incoming call. "Brooke has been having a panic attack the entire flight because of your little stunt." "Text her back right now." I lay flat on the mattress, listening to his icy, demanding tone. My eyes slowly wandered around the master bedroom. The modern chandelier, the silk bedsheets, the vanity desk, the custom wardrobe. Every single piece of furniture in this room was chosen to fit Brooke's aesthetic. When we were decorating, Josh insisted that everything had to be approved by Brooke. He claimed that if she didn't like the environment, it would trigger her anxiety and worsen her physical health. I hadn't fought him on it. I figured it was just furniture. It served the same purpose no matter what it looked like. But laying here now, the entire room felt suffocating. I didn't care if she was supposed to be my friend too. "Josh, I am so completely exhausted. I..." Before I could even get the explanation out, Brooke's delicate voice filtered through the receiver. "Noley, what woman are you talking to on the phone?" "Come here and help me with the zipper on my dress." I froze on the bed. Noley. What woman. The zipper on my dress. It was an overwhelming amount of information packed into three sentences. It would be impossible for any normal person to ignore. While I was stunned silent, Brooke's voice shifted. "Oh, it's Linda!" "Linda, you aren't mad at me, are you? I saw you didn't reply to my text." "Please don't overthink this. I practically begged Josh to bring me to Aspen. You know how much I love the snow." "And you know how weak my joints are. I didn't want to pull a muscle reaching for my zipper, so I just asked Josh for a tiny favor." She had an air tight explanation for absolutely everything. I let the silence hang, refusing to give her the validation she wanted. I was entirely done fighting over these twisted little details. Because the truth was, neither of them cared about how I felt. "Linda, we are heading out to grab dinner! Talk to you later!" Click. The line went dead. I didn't sleep a single minute that night. I lay perfectly still in the dark, replaying years of neglected boundaries and broken promises. I watched my own shadow stretch across the wall. I felt completely numb. Paralyzed. Until eventually, I couldn't feel anything at all. Around five in the morning, right as my eyes were finally starting to close, I heard the heavy click of the front door unlocking. I pushed the bedroom door open. Josh was walking into the living room, supporting Brooke by her waist. Brooke looked completely drained, but the moment she saw me, she forced a sweet, innocent smile. "Linda, we came back!" She walked over and wrapped her arms around me. I stiffened, awkwardly patting her back. "Why are you guys back so soon?" The moment the words left my mouth, Josh shot me a look of pure disgust. "Because of you, obviously!" "How can you be so incredibly selfish, Linda?" "It is a massive effort for Brooke to travel, and you had to ruin the entire trip by throwing a tantrum!" I pushed Brooke away, locking eyes with him. My patience had officially evaporated. "I am the selfish one?" "Josh, when you decided to drag her along on our honeymoon, did you consider my feelings for even a second?" "When the two of you hijacked our itinerary and changed the destination without telling me, did you consider my feelings?" "And the wedding..." "Shut up! Just shut up, Linda! Brooke is standing right here!" "You always bring up the exact same things. Brooke has a severe medical condition. Why do you constantly insist on competing with a sick woman?" "Competing?" The tears I had been fighting back finally broke, spilling hot and fast down my cheeks. "Please stop fighting, Linda." "It's my fault. It is all my fault." "My body is just a burden. I ruined your special trip." She started crying hysterically, stepping forward to grab my hands. I instinctively stepped back, brushing her hands away. She dramatically stumbled backward, landing flat on her behind. Before my brain could even process what was happening, Josh lunged forward and shoved me hard in the chest. I flew backward, crashing violently onto the hardwood floor. "Why the hell did you push her?" "Are you actually a psychopath, Linda?" Without another word, Josh scooped Brooke up into his arms and sprinted out the door toward his car. Panic finally set in. I didn't even have time to process the betrayal. I grabbed my keys and followed them to the emergency room. Brooke was rushed into a private examination room. I sat on the cold plastic chairs in the hallway, watching Josh press his face against the glass window of the door, his eyes wide with frantic worry. A passing nurse stopped and gently tapped my shoulder. "Miss, do you need me to wrap that up for you?" I blinked in confusion. The nurse pointed down at my arm. I finally realized that when Josh shoved me, I had scraped my arm against the sharp edge of the coffee table. Thick drops of blood were slowly pooling on the linoleum floor. I panicked and tried to cover the gash with my bare hand, but the nurse gently pulled my wrist away. "Don't do that. You'll introduce bacteria into the wound." "Come with me to the trauma bay." I followed her down the hall in a daze. She carefully cleaned the wound with antiseptic, glancing back out toward the hallway. "That guy out there, his wife is the one in the room, right?" I froze for a second, realizing she was talking about Brooke. I gave a slow nod, saying nothing. "Your brother sure is dedicated to his wife. He's been staring through that glass since they got here. He didn't even notice his own sister was bleeding everywhere." The gauze tightened around my arm, bringing a sharp, burning sting. When I walked back out to the hallway, Josh was still pacing in front of the window. He didn't spare me a single glance. An hour later, the doctor finally walked out. He assured us that Brooke was perfectly fine. Her daily maintenance routine had protected her joints. She just needed some rest. I stood by the wall. Just as I instinctively moved forward to help Brooke walk, Josh finally noticed the thick white bandages wrapping my forearm. "What happened to your arm?" I paused, then smoothly stepped out of his reach. Josh froze, his hand hanging awkwardly in the air. He stared at me, his jaw tight, but he didn't say a word. That night, I lay frozen on the edge of the mattress. I heard the rustle of the sheets behind me. Josh slid his arm around my waist, pulling me against his chest. In the pitch black room, his voice was low, carrying a hint of genuine warmth. "Linda, about what happened this morning... I was out of line." "I shouldn't have yelled at you like that." "Can we just drop the attitude now?" "Let me see your arm." I kept my mouth completely shut. Hot tears streamed down my face, soaking silently into the cotton pillowcase. He reached down, trying to touch my bandaged arm. I smacked his hand away. His tone instantly hardened. "Linda, what exactly is your problem?" "We are practically married. We have our whole lives ahead of us." "Are you seriously going to hold a grudge over one little mistake forever?" I took a shaky breath, forcing the violent sob back down my throat. "Josh, it's not one little mistake. It's a thousand of them." I sat up, turning on the lamp, wanting to finally lay everything out on the table. Click. Josh reached over and plunged the room back into darkness. I nudged his shoulder. He rolled over, giving me his back. "Linda, I just don't get you. We all grew up together. Why are you so completely incapable of making room for Brooke?" Staring at the back of his head, I suddenly let out a laugh. The sound was hoarse, ugly, and broken in the quiet bedroom. Why couldn't I make room? Because love is inherently territorial. It demands to be chosen first. In that exact moment, a chilling realization washed over me. Josh had probably never loved me at all. So it made perfect sense that he couldn't comprehend why I refused to tolerate his obsession with another woman. The next morning, I changed my flight ticket. Before the sun was fully up, I hauled my suitcase out the front door. Josh and Brooke had already left the apartment. I had no idea where they went. But I did know that today was my birthday. And for my first gift of this new year, I was giving myself a completely new life.